I wish I could teleport
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
What a dumb baby whore.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
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