I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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