I could have mohawked her pubes.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
