I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
