I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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