I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Randomize
