I think I won the penis lottery.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
