genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
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