dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
