I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize