and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
