I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
