Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
