Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
