So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
