When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
