I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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