i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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