I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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