i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
