Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
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