Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
You may now shotgun with the bride
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
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