I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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