take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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