im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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