Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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