She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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