Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
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