Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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