i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
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