My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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