I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
