Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Randomize
