I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
how do you play pong handcuffed?
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
