she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Randomize
