That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
