Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Randomize
