Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
