ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
