I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
