so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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