When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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