I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
