You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
