My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
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