Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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