Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
