im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
