his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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