Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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