and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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