when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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