You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
